Monday, March 8, 2010

Mommy Guilt

It was a good weekend.

I gave myself bangs. I was trimming my hair (cutting off those crispy ends!) and decided that I needed a change. Bangs it is.

Went to Nadia's 5th birthday party. It blows my mind that she's already five. Feels like she was born just the other day. Watching all of these little cousins grow up os so fun. I feel like I haven't changed all that much since Gabriel was born (I was almost 13 when he was born... so I hope that I have changed, it just doesn't feel like it) but these kids have grown so much.

Sunday I hung out with my mom and Katherine. It's so nice to relax somewhere other than my own house.

Then last night Declan started coughing. I was near tears because I felt so guilty for taking him to Sue's and the party when Gabriel was running a fever and coughing. The whole time we were around Gabriel, my mommy alarm was going off, but I ignored it. Just like I ignored the mommy alarm when I had Declan around Beck while Beck had a cold (in my defense, I was told it was allergies). Now my poor little man has a low fever and a cough, although it's better this morning than it was last night.

Declan was so fussy this morning that he kicked my computer and bowl of oatmeal off of the table during a fit. The bowl shattered, the computer cracked (only minorly, and it seems to work fine, but I was panicked), oatmeal got everywhere, and I had to take a deep breath and count to three. I know it must be hard to be tired and kinda sick, but the flailing and kicking is so not necessary. And then as soon as I got over my stuff being kicked, I felt guilty for being mad at him. I looked down at the screaming, red-faced, frantic little baby, and my frustration faded to a dull roar. I just wanted to comfort him, shush and sway, anything to make him feel better.

Will I ever have a day in which I don't feel guilty for something I've said, thought, or done?

I find myself wondering how much of a difference in Declan's childhood it would actually make if I could go back and do things the way I wish I had done them.

Would he be sick less if I didn't bring him around sick kids, washed my hands more, took him to the doctor more?

Would he grow up to be a calmer person if I didn't get angry when he kicked?

Would he be a happier child if I didn't let him cry a little while I finished my shower?

I think that the answer is probably no. That in the long run, these kinds of things won't be influential, they won't scar him for life. I hope I'm not just making excuses for myself.

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